In The Middle of it…now there’s a hole

September 4th, 2010

The cool breeze was a refreshing change from the stagnant air we’ve breathed for the past month. The sun was radiantly beaming as we began our walk. It was the perfect morning.

The morning started with pleasantries and a bit of an awkwardness, not knowing what was coming. The last time the four of us were together we were celebrating Lynn’s birthday.

This time we were celebrating hers, but she was not there.

Four months earlier we all stood near each other as they rolled her casket by us. Filled with disbelief, bewilderment, and grief we stared at the pine cocoon that held the shell of our friend. Her spirit was gone and she left each of us with a hole in our hearts. We clung to each other that day, almost afraid to let go. I remember their faces as I gave the eulogy. It was almost too much to bear, knowing they were feeling what I felt. No greater loss had any of us felt.

We always spent our birthdays together. Sometimes the entire day. She was always at my house helping me set up for my kids’ birthdays parties. She always came early. She was the first friend to visit  when little Wyatt was born. She was always in the middle of it. It hasn’t been the same since we lost her. 

We had said we would do something on her birthday to remember our friend and in someway put some salve on the wound that we each carried. So we traveled to her favorite place to hike and walked a lonely,winding path. We hadn’t mentioned her yet. It was awkward, I guess. It was like there was a giant elephant in the room and eventually someone needed to acknowledge it was there. We were all afraid to bear our souls, but for the first time since we lost her, we were each with friends who knew exactly what the other was feeling. We weren’t just talking with a friend who only knew of her. We were in the circle of best friends.

And so as the water lapped at the rocks at the edge of the lake and the bright sun beamed down on our broken hearts, we bared our souls to each other…

…and the healing began… 

There were moments of laughter as we remembered our funniest moments with her. There was the memory of the volleyball game on the beach, the night on the cruise as we enjoyed a bottle of Don Perion champagne a little TOO much, and just the memory of how much she LOVED to eat out with friends (she could pack it away and it never showed).

A scripture was shared, a letter was read, and a memento of a time together was displayed as our tears flowed.

Oh how we miss her. Oh how we loved her.

She was a precious gem and a gift from the heavenlies. We would each give anything to go back and change the course of history. But we have peace in knowing that God is Sovereign. He was there and could have done anything He wanted. His choice was to heal her of her pains and burdens once and for all. And He did. We know she is no longer hurting or carrying any feelings of inadequacy. She is perfect. TAMIM is a Hebrew word that means complete, perfect, without blemish. This is what she is now. She is perfect. So when I question God and wonder why…I remember that my friend is perfect now, no flaws or imperfections or hurts. She is free.

I brought a heart-shaped white stone with me as my token memento on this day and on it I wrote, “TAMIM”.

 And as we walked backed down that winding path I came across three other heart-shaped stones, as if God had placed them there for us to find them…to remember this first birthday without her.

This circle of friends may be one short but she is still with us in our hearts. That last heart has a hole in it as if symbolic of the loss we feel but also of the place that she will forever fill. She was what tied all of us together. So I can’t hold her hand in that circle anymore, but she is still in the middle of it. And I may not be able to touch her anymore, but everyday her memory touches me. She will always be in the middle of us.

We miss you.

We love you.

Someday we will be with you and join hands with you in that circle again, but until then, your memory will be the glue that holds us.

You’ll always be in the middle of this circle.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday Christina.

Happy birthday to you.


To Christina, I miss you!

 To Lynn and Laura, I love you!


Still Grieving, but Healing, Groovy Girl


2 responses to “In The Middle of it…now there’s a hole

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