Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Home.

I’m back.

Home sweet home.

I am sad today.

Broken would be a better word.

I wish I had never gone.

These are hard words to say. I love my home where my first roots were established, but I have never felt so…unloved. I have five siblings but only two came to see me. Did I mention they all live in the same town?…two on the same street as my parents whom I was staying with? But they didn’t come. Of the two who did come to see me, hurtful words flowed like sarcastic jokes, literally. I guess we are all supposed to be comfortable with our screwed up family that the pain and hurt of one of their own can be laughed at in front of them.

Of course, I know that part of the reason that they don’t come is because my presence induces pain. My presence stirs up feelings and hurts of their own that they chose this time to deal with by not seeing me. They wanted to stuff it away, like a dirty casserole pan that they would rather not clean. Out of sight, out of mind!It’s not that I’ve hurt them. It’s that my presence stirs up those issues that 4 of the 6 of us walked away from when we left the cult. I was the only one who chose to face it. Now…I wish I had stuffed the dirty dish into a garbage and forgotten about it.

I was compared. I was judged. I was ignored. I was rejected. I was told I don’t measure up to others…they are soooo generous. I have never walked away from my mom before when she was talking to me, but I just could not hear her say it to me again. Why do you want to hurt me? Is this what you think will make me come back to that stupid religion? Aaarrgghh!!!

It was my birthday while I was up there. Boy, I haven’t felt that feeling in 20 years…the feeling that “your birthday will be ignored today.” Stupid me for thinking I would be fine spending it up there. It hurt…deep. I felt bad for my man who tried to make it great, but given the circumstances…hhmmpph! Poor guy.

So today I am thankful to be home, but I am sad. I am a big ball of emotions. I stood out in the storm today just to feel the strength of God’s power, to be reminded that God is bigger than all my problems. I played in the rain and the raging creek water with my dog, who missed me a lot and I missed her, to spend time with someone who truly wanted to be with me. I cried over the funniest e-card ever that someone sent for my birthday.

I cried because someone loves me.

Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m loved. My family, at least some of them, love me. But my friends who are my true family, love me WELL. And coming home to a place where I am loved so well  and missed so much has just overwhelmed me today. I am so thankful for this place and for my friends, my brothers and sisters-in-Christ.

So there are my ramblings. This isn’t the post I was hoping to write. I was hoping to tell you that a miracle had happened and walls came down. Instead, it seems that more have been erected. So I have returned from the land where I am an alien and was truly treated like one.

There is no place like home amongst my fellow alien beings.

 Na nu! Na nu!

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4 responses to “Should I Stay or Should I Go?

  • lynng

    So sorry, my friend. I’m glad you’re home. You are loved!

  • Monica

    I’m so sorry you hurt my friend!!! But… I am so glad you’re home! Now, when and how shall we celebrate the fact that beautiful you was born???

  • Sylvia Basham

    You are loved all over the country! Count me in 🙂

    {Where can Jodianne go from your Spirit? Where can she flee from your presence? If she goes up to the heavens, you are there; if she makes her bed in the depths [of New York],you are there. If Jodianne rises on the wings of the dawn, if she settles on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide her, your right hand will hold Jodianne fast.}
    Psalm 139.7-10

  • Kelleigh

    love you sweetie! missed you and glad you’re back!

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