There’s an elephant in the room.
It’s been sneaking in for the past month. I have walked passed it, ignored it, covered it with a blanket, and left the room.
It’s still here.
It’s on the couch now. It knows I will have to face it. But I am not ready. Not yet.
So it moves closer and closer and closer.
I wish it would go away. But it’s my elephant and I had to face it…Sunday.
It will be one year on Sunday when I got that dreaded, unfathomable call that rocked my world forever. It haunts my thoughts continually. It had been a wonderful church service that morning and I was on cloud 9. We had lunch as a family and were settling down for a relaxing afternoon. It was the look on my daughter’s face that spoke the loudest, as she melted into tears while she echoed unfathomable words…”A*****’s mom died.” My heart fragmented at that moment. I still have not recovered all the pieces.
But until someone confirmed it, it couldn’t be true, right? She heard wrong! She couldn’t have her facts straight, not on this on. I spoke this over and over to myself so as to keep my head in some relatively sane form as I dialed a friend who had been trying to reach me. “It’s not true right?” Oh, how I know she wanted to tell me something other than the truth that was on her tongue. But her words shattered any remaining bit of hope I had.
She was gone.
Sometime that morning, while I stood in my church and worshipped my Lord with my hands held high, she held hers up and said, “I cannot take this life anymore.” As I worshipped the Lord who rescued me from the clutches of the enemy, that same God stretched out His arms and brought my beloved friend, the one who was closer than a sister, home.
I miss her. I ache for her. There is no one who can replace this friend, this one who was my closest friend, my sister. Regret? Always. Guilt? Everyday. Anger? At times. Sadness? Until I see her in heaven.
On Sunday, this elephant will be in my lap and I will have to deal with it. I will have to look at it face to face, and it’s big. It will walk with me all day and sit with me at every moment. My elephant will grace the stage with me as our Easter production, VNN, unfolds. And we will celebrate the anniversary of her homegoing on stage, at church together.
Just me and my elephant.